People are always telling me that I am such a good person. That I have a big heart and care so much. But what people don't realize is that like everyone else I too can be on the selfish side of things. My little brother is expecting his first child soon (a boy) and I am seething with emotions. Rage, sadness, contempt and heartbreak. Because out of the four of us I was the first to have a child. The circumstances were anything but ideal, none the less I was the first and it is heartbreaking for me to see him experience the joys of having a child while I had nothing but the pain and shame of being pregnant and having to give my son away to strangers because of who his father was. Of never seeing my son and of learning about his death. I feel like such a bad person for saying that I have the right to hate the fact that my family is so happy about his child. That I see no wrong in my selfishness over wanting nothing to do with his child if it is in fact a little boy. The thought of being near a baby who will undoubtedly resemble my Joshua makes me want to sob. So today I am choosing to be selfish. I just wish it was really that easy to turn off my emotions.
