Writings Of a Lonesome Soul

The past few weeks have been pretty close to my lowest in my life. I feel so miserable and broken inside. I finally caved and went to try and get some help with my problems. And found out a few things that deep inside I already knew but didn't really want to acknowledge out loud. I am bipolar and I have PTS (Post Traumatic Stress). Admitting this publicly (even though I'm sure no one will see this) feels like a step in the right direction. And hopefully I can keep going on the right track, because I don't want to be this way forever. I have spent so much time hating myself because I thought I was weak and useless. Because I truly felt worthless inside. But if I believe others are redeemable and that everyone else has something of value to give to this world, then it would be hypocritical for me to think other wise about myself.  Thankfully I have gotten out of the lull (deep depression state) that I was in and bounced into manic. I know that I probably shouldn't enjoy this feeling but its a welcome change from the uncontrollable crying and pain I was feeling. The pain is still there, just like the sadness. But the manic gives me a temporary and yes false sense of energy. For a few seconds when this surge is at its peak I don't feel so alone. And all the bad stuff that has happened to me vanishes. For a few seconds I don't hurt inside. It took me over eleven years to get to my breaking point and it scares me to think about how long it will take to get control over this. I'm not just talking about being bipolar or the PST, I'm talking about being abused and molested for years. About being raped and having to deal with a pregnancy at just twelve years old. Having my childhood ripped away from me and being turned into a person who panics if she is alone with a man. Who can't stand the sight of children because it feels like her heart is being ripped from her chest and her body is dismantled limb by limb. I am not the best I can be. I am not even close to average or okay. But hopefully one day I will be able to overcome the very things that have crippled me and be the person that my mother believes I am. If by some chance you read this mama, know that I love you and that it is because of you I am going to try and stand up for me. Your belief that I am a good person inside has been the one thing that has kept me going and I owe you everything that I will ever be. Ich Liebe Dich Auch Madre -- Kat